Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
