oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
