Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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