Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
