it was like eating out sand paper
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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