Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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