Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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