Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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