i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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