Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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