I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
