cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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