i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sorry about my life...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
