Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
