I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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