do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i will never coherently bang her
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
birth control should be required to get into college
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
