i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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