dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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