I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
