people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
