I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
