I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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