last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
