also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
