Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
