Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
