The maid of honor just puked.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
