Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Sext me about skeletons
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize