My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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