So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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