i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
