miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Send help, water and tortillas.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
