His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
