I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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