Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
