i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
