So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
