Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize