My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
