i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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