I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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