My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
