In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
