Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
