He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
