i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
