you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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