Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
