Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
