Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
