So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
