U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I stole a fireplace last night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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