that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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