i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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