i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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