she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
