Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
