I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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